"What are you doing?"
This is everyone's favorite inquiry as of late. Or at least it seems that way. And for the first time in a long time I am struggling to answer this question. Why? Because at first glance, it appears as though I am doing nothing. No, seriously...nothing!
I have no job. I have no intention of getting a job. And when people ask what I'm DOING, they expect to hear about something that's producing a measurable result.
Trouble is, I cannot offer such an answer. I am doing SOMETHING however. It can be summarized in one word.
Waiting.
I am waiting. On God. For what? I don't know.... everything, I suppose. A word. Some direction. Anything that He wants to say or do. For this, I am waiting. This waiting, it is not easy. In fact, there are days when I am nearly convinced I must have heard God wrong. Surely He couldn't mean don't work, don't commit to anything, don't seek to put your hand to something.
"Don't work," He said. "Be ready to go when I say," He said. "Don't seek any opportunity," He said. "I'll bring the right one to you. Just wait," He said.
So when people ask me "what I'm up to these days," I've settled on one response:
Waiting on God.
No one argues with me when they hear this answer. In fact, most applaud me for my faith and obedience. But the truth is, this is difficult for me. There are days when I feel like I have absolutely no purpose, when I just can't figure out what it is that God is doing IN me or FOR me. There are days when I just want to go out and get a job or move or start asking around for opportunities for missions that are out there. But the thought of doing any of these things brings me no solace. In fact, I know that for me, to do so would be to disobey the Lord. And I definitely have no desire to do that!
I came back to the United States over a year ago with the desire to return to Latin America as a missionary. There have been a couple of times in the past 13 months when I thought I was close to being on my way, but the Lord has closed the door twice.
And so here I am. Waiting. Surrendering my ideas, my desires, and my assumptions about how all the dreams in my heart are going to come together.
Where will I go? I don't know.
When will I go? I don't know.
What will I do? I don't know.
The only thing I do know is that God is faithful, and that EVEN IF I have somehow misheard Him, He will take care of me.
This is what gives me the strength to obey, to do what God asks of me no matter how insane it sounds. And one day, I will understand exactly why my Lord sent me in to this season of stillness. Until then, I will DO the only thing I know to do...
Wait.
